This should really be titled, “Husband – JUST READ THIS
AND QUIT NAGGING ME.” But I figured I’d write for a more
general audience, so here you go – things you people who’ve never had long
hair need to know about my lifestyle, because sometimes it just doesn’t seem to
get through.
1. I need more shampoo than you.
Your hair is like ONE INCH long. At most.
In some places it’s shorter than your eyebrow hair. You don’t shampoo your eyebrows, do you? Why should you need to shampoo that part of your scalp at
all? But even so, for the sake of this
discussion let’s assume your hair is one inch long, and mine is ten inches
long. I will need to use – you guessed
it – TEN TIMES AS MUCH shampoo as you to get the same amount of coverage on my
hair. So don’t be telling me I’m using
too much shampoo. I’m using twice as
much shampoo as you. Three times at
most. So really, YOU are the one using
too much shampoo.
2. I should not shampoo every day.
The thing about short hair is that it has not been on
your head long. ALL of your hair on your
entire head has been there for less time than the bit of hair that’s two inches
away from my head. I did extensive,
thorough research on this subject (thank you, Answers.com) and have determined
that hair grows at a rate of about half an inch per month. That means ALL YOUR HAIR has been around a
maximum of, say, three or four months.
Mine? These ends have been with
me for two YEARS. So while you can
happily destroy your hair by shampooing away replenishing scalp oils every
single day because you’re not even going to see that hair half a year from now,
I NEED that oil to maintain this mane I hope will still be treating me right
two years down the road. I don’t want
some kind of split-end mutiny on my hands.
Do you even know what split ends are?
Can you get a split end in three months?
This applies to hair dye too, by the way. When I go to dye my hair, I’ve got to worry
about how it’s going to affect my look two years down the road. How old am I going to be? What will I be doing with my life? Will this affect any future job I could try
to get? Because some colors are easier
to dye over than others. I’m just lucky
I can go back to brown whenever I have to – I salute all you brave blondes out
there.
3. Your bad haircut
is as nothing compared to my bad haircut.
Again, if you get a bad haircut, the absolute longest you
have to worry about it is three months.
And I’m pretty sure in two weeks it’s going to settle in just fine and
you can get it fixed, no problem. You
can move on with your life. Two weeks
isn’t even long enough to really notice the roots under my dye job. When my hairstylist messes up, she chops off three
extra INCHES, not millimeters – and we’ve already discussed that it can take
months to recover from that kind of error.
Now, you may be saying, “But you still have a lot of hair
to keep cutting and get the shape right.”
NO. If I wanted to take another three
inches off my hair, I would have done it the FIRST time. Now I have to wait another SIX MONTHS to get
it even to the point where it SHOULD HAVE BEEN WHEN I WENT IN. That’s HALF A FREAKING YEAR. If I want to cut more off and reshape it, I
basically have to resign myself to an entirely different hairstyle and
look. Maybe I don’t even have the right clothes
or earrings to pull off that mop. I
could have to invest in a whole new wardrobe.
So don’t tell me your awful haircut is worse than mine.
4. My hair takes a lot longer than yours to get
pretty every day.
If I want to do my hair and make it look actually pretty,
it takes me an hour. I have to do it in
layers, one row at a time, getting each section right before I move on to the
next part. This is a complicated work of
art I’m sculpting, here. I’ve watched
you short-haired people “doing your hair.”
It takes like ten minutes. It
doesn’t even involve any kind of iron. So
if I say I need to get ready to go out somewhere, you can assume that I need to get my hair done,
and that’s going to add an hour to whatever time you were estimating for
yourself. And that’s assuming you’re
also doing your makeup like I am. No? No makeup?
Add another half hour. Being
beautiful takes WORK, bitch.
5. A ponytail is a legitimate hairstyle.
I don’t want to take an hour out of every single day to
get my hair looking gorgeous. You’ll be
lucky if you get that once a week. Once
a week for me is about equivalent to all the time you’ve racked up over the
week doing your hair daily, anyway. If I
don’t do my hair up nice, though, it’s utterly hideous because I also have
curly hair (and that is just a whole
other rant for later). It’s not only
ugly, it gets in my way. I can put up
with it getting in my way if it’s pretty, but if it’s going to be hideous too
then that is just unacceptable. So if I
shove my hair up in a ponytail all day long, DO NOT make fun of me and my childish-looking
hairstyle. It’s convenient and
comfortable. End of discussion.
I hope you’ve learned
something.
