27 June 2011

Pickles yes, toothpaste no.

Get ready – I’m going to broaden your culinary world. 

I’m not much into mixing things up, and the recipes I’ve tried are by no means radical.  But I think when someone hits upon a fantastic heretofore unconsidered flavor combination, it should not go without note.  Here are some inventions I have given my seal of approval… and for good measure, also some that induced nausea or vomiting.  Consider it a fair warning.

Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Golden Grahams – Approved!
Being the grownup that I am, I eat as much sugary kids’ cereal as I want.  Being the actual grownup that I am, I am very careful to meter my sugary cereal intake.  So when I splurged and bought both boxes of my two favorite cereals at once, it was game on.  And CTC&GG is, in a word, divine.  It’s like Teddy Grahams, have you ever eaten Teddy Grahams?  Well, it’s like that, only more.  I don’t know that I can ever go back to either solo again.

Nerds and Oreos – Approved!
I don’t mean nerds as in geeky or dorky people (I know those three terms have strict and unique operational definitions, get over it!) – I mean Nerds like the candy.  Nerds are very tangy sugar candies, and in the right proportions they are the perfect complement to Oreos in a Dairy Queen blizzard.  No, really.  I used to work at a Dairy Queen so I know these things.  And when it comes to blizzards, I’ve tried it all.  I gained some serious heft in the few months I worked there.  So I know.  Trust me.  Oreo-and-Nerds blizzards are right up there with my other most recent favorite, Oreo-Reese’s-Cookie Dough-Heath blizzards.  The key with a blizzard is to order a whole load of different candy types because, like I said earlier, I am an adult and that means a lot of puritanical abstinence followed by gluttonous binges on things I can now have any damn time I want, thank you.

(UPDATE Nov 2011: Apparently Dairy Queen has stopped carrying Nerds! Oh, the humanity! How will anyone know now just how very right I am about this?!)

Coke and pickle juice – Approved!
I bet you thought I was going to label this one nausea/vomiting.  No one ever believes me when I say this is good.  But it is.  I should probably say ‘any cola-flavored beverage’ to minimize any lawsuits over singling out Coke, so pretend I said that first.  With the Any Cola-Flavored Beverage and Pickle Juice recipe, the ratio is key: a couple of tablespoons of pickle juice per 12-oz. can is perfect.  It just gives a little sour savory kick to the corny syrupy-sweetness of the cola.

Toothpaste and anything else – Nasty
I don’t have to explain this one, everyone knows it.  I just wanted to point it out.  There’s nothing more heartbreaking than brushing your teeth right before a delicious morning meal.  Especially one with orange juice.

I do want to mention one particular combination of note, here – toothpaste and peppermint schnapps.  This almost sounds like a good idea, because they’re both minty, right?  Wrong.  It is hideous and disgusting.  Do not attempt.

Savory oatmeal – Nausea-Inducing
I have already said it in this blog – oatmeal is not risotto.  It is not. risotto.  And it only made it worse to have that well-meaning analogy running through my head when I tried to make a dinner meal out of oatmeal, tomatoes, basil and garlic.  Do not try this.  You will not want to eat anything ever again as long as you live.

Coke, lemon juice, hot sauce, toothpaste, etc. – Actual Vomiting Inevitable
Kids are evil, malevolent creatures, and so were we.  This suicide drink was not a very nice dare for Truth or Dare, and somehow we got not one but two kids to drink it.  Both ended up hurling almost instantaneously on contact, and the rest of us suffered the remainder of the evening trying not to breathe in the fumes from that horrid concoction for fear of succumbing to a similar fate.

Okay, I’m grossing myself out with the memory.  I’d better leave it there.  So, take home lesson: When it comes to food, try anything once.  As long as it doesn’t involve toothpaste.


  1. Not going for the Coke and pickle juice. No way.
    Though I was surprised by ginger ale and lime juice once...

  2. Anything with limes is a win in my book!

  3. Kait, my feeling is try everything twice. Because what if the first guy just didn't know how to make it right? Also, though, toothpaste is not food. I have, however, had oatmeal encrusted fish and it was not awful. But go to VS and look at the disgusting food thread and you'll see I eat ALL THE THINGS.

  4. I like to dip my chicken breast in oatmeal when I'm on healthy-eating binges. I actually love it. Especially if there are blueberries in the oatmeal, too. YUM.

    The toothpaste thing should be a warning on the side of the tube. It is THAT important. "Do not consume foods after the use of this product." I think it's just a conspiracy by the dental industry to keep us from nullifying our moment of dental hygiene by eating the second after we've brushed.